What Do You Think Of These Lyrics??

**KyleBacklot** · Joined: 25 Oct 2008 Posts: 8

Hey, This is one of many songs that i have wrote for my band and i was thinking is it any good or should i write new stuff?

Thanks for any help

Here is the lyrics

If All we Believe Is False
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If all we believe to be true,
Is just games in our head.
Then why are we still here,
When all the rest have fled.
We have survived the worst,
And got over the pain.
So now its time to rebuild
And start our life's over again

So now that we are here,
And our lives will never be the same.
Why don't we just give up,
And let the memories burn in flame.
And as the life we once knew
Is now just visions of the past.
We are just wasting our time,
Cause these visions will never last.

All these things which i have done,
Are just reminders of that i lost.
Now you can see what iv become,
And everyone else can pay the cost.
Whilst all these thing that i can do,
I only do to torture you.
And as your life now fades away,
I wish that death will wait a day.
As i will miss your broken smile,
And how you sit there in denial,
And wait for misery to consume,
But i was watching over you.

All that i have done today,
Was not meant to hurt you.
But just got in my way,
And i wish that i could undo.
What happened,
and what went wrong.
So we could forget,
and move along.
But was happened has been done,
And i am not the only one.
That has ever tried to leave you,
And the regretted what was done.

**dspoonrt** · Joined: 20 Feb 2006 Posts: 2449 Location: Columbus, OH

**KyleBacklot** · Joined: 25 Oct 2008 Posts: 8

Thanks That will help

I'm terrible with spelling

**SirSire** · Joined: 26 Aug 2008 Posts: 20 Location: Nova Scotia, Canada

Well, I like it. It just appeals to me. It would be nice to hear it with music sometime

**ZerstÃ¶rer** · Joined: 21 Jan 2008 Posts: 412

I'd think you'd probably have to set it to music to know if they were good lyrics. They seem solid, however an important thing to remember is that lyrics don't have to rhyme. Try some free-form stuff and see if that appeals to you. Otherwise, what you have is pretty good.
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**OpenYourEyes** · Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 2:23 am Post subject:

It's very well written. However, the syllable scheme is either non-existent, or very wierd.
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**GHAddict** · Joined: 19 Feb 2008 Posts: 1718

I like it. I think it's got a lot of depth and could be really great if your band plays it right.

The first thing I notice, though, is that there's no chorus. No repetition at all. While this could be good if you're really against repetition, I think because it's a song instead of a poem, it should have a chorus.

What kind of music is that? Metal, punk, screamo, emo...? The style of it being sung also has a major impact on the power of the lyrics.
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**devinring** · Posted: Sun Oct 26, 2008 4:22 am Post subject:

I read it out loud and I think there's a few parts that could flow a little better.

"So now its time to rebuild
And start our life's over again"

I think the last line is a little too chunky. Possibly "So now it's time to rebuild, and start our lives again" or even "So now it's time to rebuild; time to start over again" may work better.

Same thing with a few other parts.

"We are just wasting our time,
Cause these visions will never last. "

Once again, last line is a little wordy. "We are just wasting our time; these visions will never last." You get the point.

The third paragraph (I want to say stanza but my poetry terminology is rusty) is a little confusing, but I think the best line of the song lies here:

"And as your life now fades away,
I wish that death will wait a day."

Great line, flows beautifully. As for the rest of the paragraph, i'm a little lost. Ignoring what it means I think the last 4 lines use the word and too much.

"As i will miss your broken smile,
And how you sit there in denial,
And wait for misery to consume,
But i was watching over you. "

Maybe could become:

"As i will miss your broken smile;
How you sit there in denial,
And wait for misery to consume.
But, I was watching over you. "

Or something a little less....listed.

The last paragraph I think is suffering from way too many small words. And, I, my, but..etc. There's a lot of them and it's not very poetic. A thesaurus is your friend. Ideally, you want intelligent words that make sense, flow well and don't sound like you want to impress people by reading words out of a dictionary.

Everything I just posted was purely opinion, but maybe you'll agree with some of it and make some revisions. Make sure to post a second draft if you revise it.

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**dogtownzboy1** · Joined: 24 Aug 2008 Posts: 1118 Location: Chicago

If anyone has listened to the Six Degrees of Inner Turbulence album you should now the song Dissapear. This has a "Dissapear" feel to it. If you haven't heard the song listen to it and read the lyrics. Otherwise from that we would have to know what genre of music your band plays. That takes a great effect on songwriting.

Dissapear Lyrics:

Why, tell me the reasons why
Try, still I don't understand
Will I ever feel this again
Blue sky, I'll meet you in the end
Free them, free the memories of you
Free me, and rest ‘till I'm with you

A day like today
My whole world has been changed
Nothing you say
Will help ease my pain

Turn, I'll turn this slowly round
Burn, burn to feel alive again
She, she'd want me to move on
See me, this place I still belong
Give chase, to find more than I have found
And face, this time now on my own

Days disappear
And my world keeps changing
I feel you here
And it keeps me sane

So I'm moving on
I'll never forget as you lay there and watched me
Accepting the end
I knew you were scared
You were strong I was trying
I gave you my hand
I said it's okay letting go time to leave here
And I'll carry on
The best that I can without you here beside me
Let him come and take you home

**Also this is a slow song so read the lyrics slowly with a flow.
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**Vampyromaniac** · Joined: 08 Feb 2008 Posts: 1216

They're good. The lyrics are fairly deep, sincere but not overly whiny.
There's a few thinsg that could be better... the posters above me already touched on several things, such as the lack of a chorus, the syllable flow (which may or may not be a problem depending on the tempo of the song and the skill of the singer to incorporate it with a good sounding rhythm) etc.

"Why don't we just give up
And let the memories burn in flame?"
^ I might change the second line to "And leave the memories in flames"
That would give it a bit more power, and could be sung (or screamed or whatever) more forcefully. I might consider that a good place to go into a chorus or break, even though it's not at the end of a stanza...You have to remember music often flows differently than poetry, although this more resembles poetry (a talented band could still make it work very well though, and possibly be better for it).

Anyways good luck dude. (I actually got a book of my poetry published once, at the suggestion of my high school teachers, but don't tell anyone cuz that makes me a punk-ass bitch).

**KyleBacklot** · Joined: 25 Oct 2008 Posts: 8

Thanks for the advice

il edit the song when i have to time and maybe post it on again

and see wait you think

**Yewb** · Joined: 10 Jan 2008 Posts: 3020 Location: Plymouth, UK

I'm pretty discerning when it comes to lyrics (I'm a pedant, and I hate it) but I can honestly say that those lyrics really work.

I've never written a wholly original song, but I write song parodies as a hobby, so I know how annoying syllabic schemes are. That said, there are a few parts which look like they could use some work rhythmically; that doesn't look hard to do based on what you've got, though. There's plenty of scope there.

Although, maybe you could upload an audio file of the music for it? We don't even know what genre it is.
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I just want to, you know, get my name out there. BTW, it updates every Thursday, Friday, and Saturday. Was just the first two, decided to do Saturdays as well.

Serious advice now: No-one likes indecision in their work, so find what you like that you're even remotely good at, and stick with it. Don't flit from one thing to another, because that just smacks of a large lack of determination and drive. And people don't like you for that, and won't remember you for it. I mean, I get that you have a plucky spirit and a willingness to try new things, but there's a limit, man.

I might knock it down to just Thursday and Friday.

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**ES942** · Joined: 02 Mar 2006 Posts: 3445 Location: Snalbans

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**xXPennyPackerXx** · Joined: 30 Jun 2008 Posts: 557

Those are great words and rhymes but like many people have said

1) I couldn't really FEEL it without music

something people haven't really said

2) Some parts are a bit wordy/chunky but it could be different once again, with the music, say if you shorten words like me-mo-ry to mem-ry, you get what i mean.
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**tormentedbyu** · Joined: 25 Feb 2007 Posts: 3090 Location: Katy, TX